Yeah, it’s this one.

3/20/1994

New York, New York

Commentary: Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler

Little Richard sings America the Beautiful with a big ass choir. Pay no attention to his voice and lips barely synching up.

We recap the Bret/Owen situation.

Owen Hart v Bret Hart

One of the greatest WrestleMania matches of all time and obviously it still holds up. Just a good old fashioned awesome wrestling match with both of these guys playing their roles perfectly. It was so good Bret even sold his knee injury later in the night. One of the greatest opening matches of all time regardless of promotion. 1-1

Winner: Owen gets the shocking win via a reversal on a victory roll.

Owen is with Todd Pettengill and cuts a hot turd of a promo. Also that spit is very distracting.

Our WrestleMania moment is the crap battle royal from Mania 2.

The Hair Club for Men guy introduces the New Fink. That didn’t last.

Bam Bam Bigelow/Luna Vachon v Doink/Dink

Welp. It was a comedy match that wasn’t funny and everyone deserved better. I’m glad Bam Bam was in a higher profile match the next year. 1-2

Winner: Bammer got the pin on Doing after the diving headbutt.

Dink tries to start shit after the match and luckily Doing saves him. Or unluckily if you had to watch this shit.

We get a Bill Clinton impersonator in the crowd with IRS and Jack Tunney. Yep.

The next Mania Moment was Hogan and Andre.

Falls Count Anywhere: Crush (w/ Mr. Fuji) v Randy Savage

This was the one that had weird Texas Deathmatch Rules. Man. I really wanted to like this one out of respect for the dead but holy shit. At least Randy got to go out a winner in his last Mania but I wish it was a better example of how great he really was. The rules really killed it. 1-3

Winner: Macho after the worst hogtie job I’ve ever seen. Sad that this was his last Mania.

Todd is with the fake President and it’s as awful as you think it is. Luckily IRS is there to save the segment with his charisma…or something.

A recap of Fanfest. This definitely became a bigger deal down the road.

Randy is still celebrating with the fans.

The next Mania Moment is Randy winning the strap at IV.

Women’s Championship: (C) Alundra Blayze v Lelani Kai

Welp. This was the best they could do for WrestleMania? Oof. 1-4

Winner: Blayze retained her title after a German Suplex.

Mania V and Piper’s Pit are the next moment.

Todd is with the Up all Night lady until HBK and Burt Reynolds interupt.

Tag Team Championships: (C) The Quebecers (w/Johnny Polo) v Men on a Mission (w/Oscar)

Oscar was the PN News of rappers. I’d also like to point out that Johnny Polo >Raven. This match was also the PN News of wrestling. I love the Canadian fellas but MOM just sucked so bad at this point. Speaking of points, this doesn’t get one. 1-5

Winners: The Mission win via countout making the fact that this match exists even more terrible.

They celebrate with the titles because they didn’t know how rules work apparently.

The Ultimate Challenge was the next moment.

We get our “celebrities” introduced for the next match. The Up All Night Lady and the Dad from Saw 2.

Mr. Perfect gets a good pop.

Special Referee Mr. Perfect/WWE Championship: (C) Yokozuna (w/ Mr. Fuji/Jim Cornette) v Lex Luger

Lex was shredded up here and got a good pop. He also was busting his ass out there and trying to put on a show. Unfortunately Yoko seemed blown up about 2 minutes on and then went to rest holds for a while. A long while. Maybe having the 600 pound guy scheduled to wrestle twice within an hour and a half was a bad idea. Poor Lex. 1-6

Winner: Yoko retains following a DQ because Perfect still remembers the previous WrestleMania even if no one else does.

Luger confronts Perfect backstage about the DQ. Legendary Rap is Crap Icon Mr. Perfect manages to quote Country Music’s own Collin Raye.

The next moment? The Blindfold match.

Harvey fucked around and found out not to mess with Fink. Bomb and Quake arrive and here we go.

Adam Bomb (w/ Harvey Wippleman) v Earthquake

SQUASH. Bomb got no offense and this was less than a minute. 1-7

Winner: Earthquake after the Earthquake splash.

Cornette cuts an awesome promo in that awesome jacket with Todd. Also. Bonsai.

The Undertaker in Indiana is the next moment.

Ladder Match/Intercontinental
Championship: (C) Razor Ramon v Shawn Michaels (w/ Diesel)

This sucked.

…

…

…

Kidding.

This match is still awesome. Not as based on highspots as the newer versions but everything they did meant something. Between the athletes, the crowd, the stakes and the sheer brilliance of both performers they saved the second half of this show and inspired a ton of imitators. 2-8

Winner: Razor retrieved both straps and looked cool in doing so.

The 10 man tag doesn’t happen because of reasons.

Dibiase is paying off the fake President or something.

The World’s Largest Toga party is the next moment.

I’m pretty sure this Bret Hart package had Tom Petty originally. Now it has Generic Music #6. Kinda lessons the impact. Yoko’s still ruled though.

Burt Reynolds and blonde 90210 chick arrive.

Unsurprisingly Piper gets a monster pop.

Special Referee Roddy Piper/WWE
Championship: (C) Yokozuna (w/Mr. Fuji /Jim Cornette) v Bret Hart

Bret really tried but nobody was carrying Yoko at this point in the night. I’d rate it as fine at best and I most likely will never watch it again after today. The fact that the 600 pound guy worked twice in such a short amount of time was a terrible idea in every way. Keep in mind I LIKE Yoko. Just a bad main event. 2-9

Winner: Bret regains the title after Yokozuna falls off the ropes like a dope.

The babyfaces all celebrate with Bret while Owen gives him the stare from the aisle.

Final Tally? 2-9 This was the textbook definition of a 2 match show. I mean, those matches were both amazing but the rest of the show stunk on ice. Weak sauce.

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