I have to finish reviewing these at some point.

4/3/2016

Dallas, TX

Commentary: Michael Cole, Bryon Saxton and JBL

Fifth Harmony sings America the Beautiful. It was fine I guess. I don’t know who they are because I’m old.

Intercontinental Championship/Ladder match: (C) Kevin Owens v Dolph Ziggler v The Miz v Sami Zayn v Stardust v Sin Cara v Zack Ryder

Man. Did Cody get a different reaction this year. This had some iffy spots in it but I really can’t complain about a match that has Kevin, Sami and Ladders. 1-1

Winner: Ryder after shoving Miz off the ladder.

Zack gets to hug his Dad.

They recap the upcoming flat earth guy vs Trumper match.

AJ Styles v Chris Jericho

The pace started out in a style I can only call boring as hell. It was technically fine and everything but they didn’t get the crowd or me emotionally involved until halfway through at best. When that happened though it was better than I remembered and an easy point. 2-2

Winner: Jericho after countering a Phenomenal Forearm into a Codebreaker.

Total Divas still existed apparently.

Maria Menunos interviews Ryder about his title win. It was something that happened for sure.

Hell yeah. It’s the Booty O’s box!

The New Day v The League of Nations

This was a thing. The LON didn’t last long and they had Alberto as a key member so automatically fuck them. Big E landing face first on that dive made me wonder how his recent injury didn’t happen earlier. It was what it was and what it was didn’t do it for me. 2-3

Winners: LON following shenanigans and a Brogue Kick.

Wade talks shit and finds out that it’s a bad idea.

First HBK answers to a huge pop.

Then Mick answers to a huge pop.

Then Stone Cold answers to the HUGEST POP. Cause Duh.

The old guys then beat everyone’s ass, cut a rug and give the crowd a collective orgasm. Oh. Then they drink beer.

We recap the Mox/Beast deal.

Street Fight: Dean Ambrose v Brock Lesnar (w/Paul Heyman)

I remember complaints about this match when it happened but I think for some reason people expected more than what we were gonna get. Brock took a bunch of kendo stick shots and other various garbage. Be happy with that. He could have shoot murdered Dean had he wished. As a rule I could watch Brock suplex fools all day long and that’s what we got here. 3-4

Winner: Brock following an F5 on some chairs.

Ric Flair and Ryder meet up with Ziggler for some Woos. Ryder turns into Charlotte after a Snickers because God hates me.

Recap of the Hall of Fame deal.

The Godfather, Stan Hansen, The Boss Man, Miss Jackie, Joan Lunden, The Freebirds, Snoop Dogg and Sting were all honored.

Sting retired for good the night before and never ever wrestled again.

Wait.

Lita announced that the Diva’s title is dead and the Women’s Champion would be crowned tonight.

We then recap the Women’s revolution deal because this show needed another 20 minutes or something.

Sasha gets a live Snoop intro.

WWE Women’s Championship: (Diva’s Champion) Charlotte (w/Ric Flair) v Becky Lynch v Sasha Banks

Considering the fact that it was the WrestleMania debut for all three competitors this match was way better than it had any right to be. All of them did a hell of a job and I’d love to see this exact match now to see how far they would blow it out of the water now. I mean. If Sasha gets unfired or whatever. 4-5

Winner: Charlotte makes Becky tap after and during various shenanigans.

The Cell gets it’s entrance and then we get a recap of the story that definitely made sense and wasn’t stupid or full of plot holes.

Shane’s kids get their hard earned WrestleMania moment.

Hell in a Cell: Shane McMahon v The Undertaker

Ok so it was too long, Shane was blown up two minutes in and both guys were going in slow motion. Oh and their fake MMA was iffy. But. It wasn’t so bad that I didn’t enjoy it. Especially when Shane tried to die for my entertainment. 5-6

Winner: Undertaker got the dub after Shane tried to kill himself and ate a Tombstone.

So on a 5 hour show they do like a 30 minute stretcher job for Shane. After a 30 minute match. *Cue Wayne from Letter Kenny* There’s such thing as too much Shane and people should be aware of it.

The WrestleMania panel wastes more fucking time. I’m going to bed and picking this up tomorrow.

I’m back. They are still talking.

Hey. I forgot Shaq and DDP.

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

It definitely was a battle royal. Not a good one either. Plus it was WAY too long. 5-7

Winner: Baron Corbin because honestly he was the best choice. Hell of a Babyface pop for it as well.

Even WWE 2K16 looks antiquated.

WrestleMania is coming to Orlando apparently in 2017.

The Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders also waste time but surprisingly I’m less grumpy about that. Because reasons.

Here is The Rock to waste some more time. But it’s Rock and he has a fucking flamethrower so it’s awesome and gets a pass.

Rock is here to announce the new attendance record. However. The Wyatt’s arrive to ruin the party. Rock reacts about how you would expect and we have ourselves a match.

The Rock v Erick Rowan (w/The Wyatt Family)

SQUASH. 5-8

Winner: Rock in 6 seconds with the Rock Bottom.

The Wyatt’s didn’t take to kindly to that but luckily John Cena came back from the dead to make the save. So a happy ending for everyone not in a swamp cult.

One last long assed recap before the main event. I’m SHOCKED they paid to keep Metallica in there.

HHH’s entrance fucks as usual. Stephanie fucking owned that look.

They still booed Roman out of the building after WWE practically begged them to cheer after that HHH deal.

Big Uce should have dropped that vest years earlier.

WWF World Championship: (C)HHH (Stephanie McMahon) v Roman Reigns

The EXACT wrong match for this situation. Slow, plodding, boring and the crowd had made their choice well before the bell rang. I like both of these dudes but Jesus Christ this was a complete misfire and a bad way to end a show that was this long. I’m very happy Roman got it figured out but damn. Oh. Steph took an awesome spear. 5-9

Winner: Roman with the spear.

Final Tally? 5-9 Too long is something I feel like I’ve said a dozen times about this show and I’m right. The highlights can be found without investing over half a work day to watching it. Average at best.

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