30 years ago this month Hulk Hogan saved America or something.
Los Angeles, California
Commentary: Gorilla Monsoon and at various times Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Bobby the Brain and Lord Alfred Hayes
- I had to re-edit this twice and I am beyond angry about it. WordPress is on thin ice.
- Willie Nelson is a national treasure and sings America the Beautiful.
- Hacksaw joins Gorilla in the booth while dressed like a giant Uncle Sam. They run down some of the card and Hacksaw goes nuts.
- Mooney is with the Rockers. Marty was sweaty as hell. I don’t want to make a speculation but um…
Barbarian/Haku (w/the Brain) v The Rockers
The only negative part of this match was Hacksaw on commentary. The Rockers were at an elite level team at this point and I love the Faces of Fear anywhere you put them. This was a damn good start to the show and if everything else lived up to it I’d be a happy dude. From what I remember though? It won’t. Still. 1-1
Winners: The Rockers nail Haku with a Missile Dropkick and Crossbody for the dub.
- Good news. Hacksaw is leaving.
- Gene is joined by Regis, Trump’s ex wife and Alex Trebek. Regis is scared of Earthquake apparently. Marla Maples is hyped to be a backstage reporter. Electric. Alex does a Jeopardy bit and throws it to ringside.
- The Brain is here so I’m happy.
Dino Bravo (w/Jimmy Hart) v Texas Tornado
Well this episode of Darkside of the Ring is already making me sad. I love Kerry but neither of these guys were any good at this point. Dino’s second rope chop was especially bad. Depressing, for multiple reasons. 1-2
Winner: Tornado with the Claw and the Discus Punch.
- Mooney is with Warlord and Slick. It’s a dog eat dog world apparently.
- Gene is with Bulldog and his Bulldog Winston. He will break the full nelson and do dog puns apparently.
Warlord (w/Slick) v British Bulldog (w/Winston)
I wonder what the monthly steroid bill was for the competitors in this match. Also the death total so far on this show is 8 so I’m still sad. On a positive note this was a lot better than I remember it being. It helps that they followed a junk match. Still, both guys went above and beyond what I remember as a kid so that’s good enough for me. 2-3
Winner: Bulldog takes it with the running Powerslam.
- Gene is with the Nastys and Jimmy. Apparently the Hart Foundation are in trouble or something. They yelled a lot.
- Mooney is with the champs. Neidhart is seemingly coked out of his gourd. Purely speculation of course.
WWF Tag Team Championships: (C) Hart Foundation v Nasty Boys (w/Jimmy Hart in helmet that definitely didn’t foreshadow the ending.)
Welp. Move the total to 9 now after adding the Anvil. I hate getting old. Another good match though. This maybe the best non garbage match contest the Nastys ever had. Having one of the greatest teams in history across the ring from you definitely helps in that area. The tag division was completely killing it at this point and this show is better than I remember. 3-4
Winners: The Nastys get the titles after a shot with the helmet on the Anvil.
- The new champs celebrate.
- We recap the Jake and Model feud. Jake did an alright job pretending to be blind.
- Jake cuts a promo about snakes having six senses and doing it better in the dark.
Blindfold Match: Jake Roberts (w/Damien) v Rick Martel
OK. So as a match this was a complete and total shit show that really exposes basic things in the business. Like an Irish Whip doesn’t make sense during the best of circumstances and yet can be avoided better when you are blind? Come on. Now. I’m not here for star ratings. Did I enjoy the match is the question? The answer is no. I enjoyed the ending and Rick getting what was coming to him but I can’t recommend this in good conscience. 3-5
Winner: Jake with the DDT.
- Jake grabs the Arrogance sprayer and destroys it before bringing out the snake. Model bails.
- Marla Maples is with the new Tag Champs. The rest of Jimmy’s guys join them and spray champagne. Riveting.
Jimmy Snuka v Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer)
Make it 11 and the beginning of something special. Crap. Nevermind; I forgot about Fink. Make it 12. Anyway the beginning of the streak starts more with a whimper than with a bang. This isn’t what I would call good even on accident. It’s really short though so there’s that. Snuka couldn’t go anymore and Undertaker’s gimmick wasn’t made to have good matches in 1991 so there we are. 3-6
Winner: The Streak begins with a Tombstone.
- We recap the entire Savage and Warrior feud.
- Brain notices Miss Elizabeth in the crowd.
Career Ending Match: Macho King (w/Queen Sherri) v Ultimate Warrior
Damnit, 15. This is still, even with all the matches I have seen one of my favorite things ever. The story from beginning to end was amazing and was without a shadow of a a doubt the best thing the Warrior was ever a part of. This was put together perfectly from the second that Warrior WALKED to the ring to the very end. It was a tribute to just how good that the Macho Man was in his chosen field and makes me miss the dude’s in ring work tremendously. Throw in the charisma of the Warrior and the pure skill of Sherri and you have damn near perfection. I’d give it two points if I could. 4-7
Winner: Warrior sends Macho into temporary retirement with several flying shoulder tackles.
- After the match an angry Sherri attacked a prone Macho for coming up short. Then, in a moment that may have been better than the match itself, Miss Elizabeth came in from the crowd to save Savage from the beating he was receiving. After a moment of confusion they then reunited in a moment that no doubt everyone watching had been waiting for. Just perfection all the way through. I’m not crying, you are.
- By the way. Gorilla stating that it was the largest PPV audience in history was pretty impressive considering how long it takes to get those numbers usually.
- Gorilla and Brain discuss the Perfect/Boss Man match and run down the rest of the card.
- Regis is with Undertaker and Paul. Nothing is said but Regis gets measured for a casket.
- Trebek is with the Demos and Fuji. They sucked without Ax. Terrible.
- Regis is with Tenryu and Kitao. They also don’t say anything. Regis says Japanese car names because this entire show is racist. They do ask about Kathy Lee though.
- Trebek is back. This time with Jake and Damien. Alex doesn’t like snakes and hits the bricks. Comedy.
Demolition (w/Mr. Fuji) v Genichiro Tenryu /Koji Kitao
Sigh, 18. These four were not in the same page in any way shape or form. Kitao wouldn’t have sold had you shot him with a rifle and this version of the Demos was on their last legs as it was. Real bad. 4-8
Winners: The Japanese contingent got the pin on Smash after a God awful powerbomb on Smash.
- Gene is with a fired up Boss Man. You should not say things about a man’s Momma for sure.
- Mooney is with Brain and Perfect. Of course Rodney King and the LAPD is mentioned. Also he’s perfect in case you forgot.
- Lord Alfred joins the booth. Have mercy on me.
Intercontinental Championship: (C) Mr. Perfect (w/the Brain) v Big Boss Man
Sigh AGAIN, 22. I have a soft spot for both of these guys too and they delivered a fine contest. Boss Man was in the best shape of his career and Perfect was still a little bit away from the back injury that would slow him down in the ring a bit. Adding Andre the Giant to the festivities really brought a fun element to it. Good times, even though Perfect show have probably lost. 5-9
Winner: Boss Man got the DQ win after the Faces of Fear got involved.
- Time for the parade of people that showed up!
- Gene is with the future President. So charismatic that I go get a glass of tea.
- Chuck Norris is here as well. He says they are great athletes.
- Winkler is also here and is happy the Warrior won.
- Lou Ferrigno is excited as well.
- A veritable who’s who of who gives a shit.
- The Brain is back luckily.
Earthquake (w/Jimmy Hart) v Greg Valentine
Shit. 23. Babyface Hammer was odd and Quake sold way more than he should have. This was luckily kind of short but not short enough for me not to deduct a point. 5-10
Winner: Earthquake via squash.
- Mooney is with LOD. Power & Glory are dead men.
Power & Glory (w/Slick) v Legion of Doom
Add another 3 to my sadness as we hit 26. This was a SQUASH. Hey, I got to see Power & Glory and the LOD dis overstay their welcome since it was only a minute. I’ll allow it. 6-11
Winners: The Warriors murdered Roma with the usual.
- We recap the Virgil/Dibiase saga.
Ted Dibiase v Virgil (w/Roddy Piper)
Up to 27. Man is this show sad or what? Speaking of sad, Virgil was never any good in the ring and had maybe two good matches. This was not one of those two. Having Piper at ringside added a little something, just not enough. 6-12
Winner: Virgil won via countout after some Piper shenanigans.
- Dibiase attacked Virgil after the match until Piper made the save with the crutch. Before that gets too far Sherri arrives to join Dibiase in attacking Piper. They destroy the already injured leg before Virgil finally makes the second save. Virgil then grabs the mic and tells Piper to get up. Very motivational. I guess.
- We recap the Slaughter/Hogan deal.
- Mooney is joined by Slaughter and Adnan. Sarge out here cutting a promo like an 80s cartoon villain. They are heavily implying that he will get disqualified or counted out.
The Mountie (w/Jimmy Hart) v Tito Santana
Another squash. Nothing to it and it wasn’t even a fun minute squash like the LOD match. Nope. 6-13 Also add Joey Marella to the list at 28.
Winner: The Mountie via the shock stick.
- Gene is with the Hulkster. He seems ready, and patriotic or whatever.
- Time for the celebrity rundown.
- Guest Ring Announcer Alex Trebek.
- Guest Time Keeper Marla Maples.
- Also Regis is there to do commentary I guess.
WWF Championship: (C) Sgt. Slaughter (w/General Adnan) v Hulk Hogan
Hey, on a positive note Adnan is still alive so I don’t have to add anyone to the death count. This wasn’t world changing or anything but it was a solid main event for this era of Hulkamania. They kept it moving and Hogan even went to the top and bled. You know what? I’ll take it. 7-14
Winner: Hogan saves America with the big boot and legdrop and becomes the first 3 time WWF Champion.
- Cue the posing and flag waving.