The weirdest WrestleMania ever starts tonight! Lets go back 30 years though.
April 1, 1990
Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “The Body” Ventura
- Robert Goulet kicks us off with the Canadian National Anthem. I can’t help but picture Will Ferrell doing it though. It’s Robert Gooolayyyy.
- This has this little ring carts that I love. They need to be at every WrestleMania to be honest.
Koko B. Ware (w/Frankie) v Rick “The Model” Martel
We need to really bring Arrogance back as a legitimate cologne. Model jumped Koko early but Koko was able to turn things around pretty quickly. He actually took control until he got tossed out of the ring like an idiot. Model kept control until he made the mistake of ramming Koko’s head into the turnbuckle. That fired Koko up and he took control with some punches and headbutts. He got a little fancy though and tried a blind second rope crossbody. That mistake got him locked in The Model’s generic ass Boston Crab. It wasn’t boring but it wasn’t great either, eh. 0-1
Winner: Martel via the Boston Crab.
- Gene interviews The Brain and Colossal Connection. Thank God Bobby did all the talking.
- Meanwhile Mooney is with Demolition. They say some crazy ass shit that is mostly pun based…so obviously I dig it.
WWE Tag Team Championship: (C) The Colossal Connection (Andre the Giant/Haku with Bobby Heenan) v Demolition (Ax/Smash)
Andre was looking rough here. I’m glad we got the actual Demolition theme for this version. That song kicks eleven types of ass. The champs jump the Demos before the bell but poor Haku gets caught. Demolition tags in and out quickly to stay in command until Haku nails Ax with a chop to the throat to take over. Andre has made his presence felt but hadn’t tagged in as of yet. It’s pretty much all Haku all the time. Hell he can take most people two on one anyway. The crowd is super in to the Demos all through this. When they finally enter the Hall of Fame I will rejoice. They are doing a good job by taking the action to Andre in the corner so he doesn’t have to move. The crowd goes nuts when Smash tags in. Andre tried to help Haku but ends up taking the Super Kick and get tied up in the ropes. It was all over but the crying for Haku at that point and the crowd loses their shit. This was one of my favorite WrestleMania memories as a kid but as an adult the actual wrestling wasn’t anything amazing. Still a great moment for the Demos. 1-2 just for the following moment really.
Winner: Demolition via the Decapitation.
- Then in another classic moment, The Brain does something that no one with a brain would do…he talks shit to Andre and then slaps him. Haku tried to save him but you can imagine how well that worked. Happily the Giant gets to leave as a good guy and ride the cart alone. Good for him, the crowd cheers him like he never turned in the first place.
- Gene is with Earthquake and Jimmy Hart. I feel that they go off the rails with the Earthquake puns. Poor Hercules is about to get got though.
Hercules v Earthquake (w/Jimmy Hart)
Quake tries to be the third consecutive heel tonight to jump someone before the bell and fails. Herc’s punches look good as hell and Quake bails. He returns to get in a test of strength with a guy named Hercules. He does pretty well and attacks Herc when he gains momentum. Herc fires up and throws a bunch of shoulder blocks and clotheslines to get the big man down to a knee. He then made the somewhat obvious mistake of going for the Torture Rack on a dude named Earthquake. A couple of big elbows and the butt splash finishes. Not much to this. 1-3
Winner: Earthquake via Butt Splash.
- Earthquake throws in an aftershock for good measure. Poor Herc.
- Rona Barrett interviews Miss Elizabeth. I had to look Barrett up…even then I have no recollection of this lady. Neither of these people should be talking for long periods of time. Or any really. This was garbage.
- Mooney with The barber discussing Mr. Perfect. Apparently everyone makes mistakes…like that hair for one.
Mr. Perfect (w/The Genius) v Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake
I don’t want to be this guy but…Brutus had sweet music and I loved this dude as a kid. As an adult…he is fine at times. Meanwhile, Perfect is as good as anyone ever was in this time period. We say hello to Terry, Tyrel and Jade in Minnesota like usual. SHOCKINGLY Perfect tries to jump Beefcake before the bell and it doesn’t work. Who the hell was agenting this show? Perfect takes a dive to the floor off a punch and should win an award for it. He sells everything like he’s being shot out of a damn cannon. It’s amazing how good he makes Beefcake look with every shot. We get a shot of Mary Tyler Moore in the crowd and I’m shocked they didn’t try to get her to cut a promo. Beefcake calls for the sleeper but gets distracted by the Genius due to him being a genius and all. Beefcake walks into a face full of scroll because he’s clearly a moron. Somehow that and several other moves only get Perfect a two count on Hulk’s buddy. Perfect was soooo good you guys. Of course when Beefcake makes his comeback Perfect takes that awesome slingshot to the post that looked like it ended him and this time it did. I honestly forgot that Beefcake was the one to end Perfect’s undefeated streak. Perfect ruled and Beefcake was average at best. WRONG KID DIED. 1-4
Winner: Beefcake took the win after Perfect hit the post.
- This jerk then wants to cut Perfect’s hair but the Genius steals the clippers. This leads to Genius eating a sleeper and another haircut. What a jerk.
- We get a recap of the Piper/Bad News feud.
- Gene is with Piper…who is painted half black. Yeah, this was a bad idea for like a dozen reasons. The promo didn’t help either to be honest.
Bad News Brown v “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
If BNB were around now he would be the most over dude ever…and Piper would have to apologize a lot. Yeah… half of Piper wants to dance, wow. It starts with both men brawling and really just stays that way. Other than overt racialism there isn’t much to this thus far. Very few actual wrestling moves and a lot of no selling are making up the meat of this thing. BNB removes a turnbuckle pad but gets reversed into it. Piper puts a white glove on and nails News with it. News tries to recover and both men fight to the floor. A chair is swung by Piper and this thing is tossed pretty quickly. I wish it had happened before I had to watch this shit…woof. 1-5
Winner: Double Count out apparently.
- They continue to brawl after with a bunch of refs trying to break it up. That shockingly fails and they fight back to the dressing room.
- Steve Allen is here for some reason rehearsing the Soviet National Anthem with the Bolsheviks. “No more Stalin”. Wowsa.
The Hart Foundation v The Bolsheviks
The Poor Bolsheviks try and get through the national anthem but I guess Canada hated the Soviets as well? Anywho, the Harts attack before the bell (again with this) isolate Boris and nail the Hart Attack before I can type this sentence. 2-6 because the Harts ruled.
Winners: The Harts after a Hart Attack.
- Hey apparently WrestleMania VII will be at the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum! I’m sure that will work out as expected and nothing will stop them from selling it out. (Googles) I am wrong.
- Jesse and Gorilla waste some time because this show isn’t long enough.
- Gene is with Tito. Wow, was it boring.
The Barbarian (w/The Brain) v Tito Santana
Tito was STILL wearing the Strike Force tights…let it go bro. Barbarian had just come to the Brain’s Family so he would be changing up the gimmick soon. Tito was all over him early. You figure Barb would have just murdered him since he had the Brain. He finally takes control for a second after beheading Tito with a big boot. Tito fires back up though and nails the flying forearm, luckily the Brain makes the save for his guy. Tito eats it not long after. It was an OK showcase for Barb but I really felt he should have killed poor Tito. 3-7 shockingly.
Winner: Barbarian got the pin after a top rope clothesline that took Tito’s head off.
- Some Mixed Tag hype. Macho’s gear was outrageous.
- Mooney is with Dusty and Sapphire. Dusty says weird shit and Mooney looks puzzled.
Mixed Tag: Macho King/Queen Sherri v Dusty Rhodes/Sapphire (w/Miss Elizabeth)
My God this is depressing. This is the very first mixed tag in WWE history. Randy and Sherri are underrated as a duo in my opinion. Jesse dogging the announced weight of Rhodes and Sapphire is hilarious. Savage loses his shit about Liz being in Dusty’s corner. Things don’t go well for the Macho team early. Sapphire makes Dusty look like Misawa in there. She’s the worst. randy and Sherri carry this thing by bumping in the early going. Savage finally gains control with a ton of double ax handles on dream. He tosses Sapphire down and she takes it like she has a broken hip. The scepter is used by Macho with the ref distracted. It didn’t help because Dusty was Dusty. Sapphire accidentally nails a Tower of London on Sherri off Dusty’s shoulders because she is the worst. She then takes control on the former Women’s Champion because of reasons… Hell Elizabeth even gets physically involved and tosses Sherri back in the ring. About 30 seconds later she gets involved again by shoving Sherri into a schoolboy and rollup from Sapphire. Ugh, this was rough to watch in spots. 3-8
Winners: Rhodes and Sapphire after Elizabeth cheats for them.
- Savage tries to attack after the match but the cheating ass babyfaces run them off. An extremely white dance off begins.
- WrestleMania VII will make sooo much money you guys! 100,000 people!
- Gene is hanging with Bobby now. The Brain is still mad about the Andre deal. He’s freaking out.
- Jesse, Gorilla and Rona waste my time. Apparently Jesse made a porno and Gorilla wants to see it pretty badly. Luckily it doesn’t happen
- Mooney is with Savage and Sherri and they have lost their damn minds.
- Gene is with Demolition and they appear happier than Savage. The Harts are brought up immediately.
- More stalling from Jesse and Gorilla.
- Gene is with the Hulkster now and he is out of his mind too. “Do you want to live forever?”…cocaine is a powerful drug.
- Mooney is with the Warrior until he gets kicked out by that crazy bastard. They are both out of their fucking minds. Also who is “Hoke Hogan”?
The Orient Express (w/Fuji) v The Rockers
This is the lousy non Paul Diamond version of the Express so I’m bummed. Mr. WrestleMania looks like a baby with the full head of hair and a straight eye. The Rockers use some cool double teams early on. Marty takes a big fall after Fuji gets involved. He then takes a cane shot and rammed into the post. Apparently the Orient Express speak a”little bit of English” which is nice since Tanaka is from Hawaii I think. It doesn’t keep him from walking into a pro Superkick Party from the The Rockers though. The Express gain control on Shawn pretty quickly though. I have a hot take on this match, Pat Tanaka had the best mullet, don’t @ me. Shawn finally makes the tag after killing Pat. Marty kills everyone. Tanaka takes a backdrop so well that the son of a bitch flipped on his face in mid air. Fuji distracts Marty before the double fist drop and causes him to take salt to the eyes and fall over the railing to get counted out. Kind of a shit ending but the match was alright until then. 4-9
Winners: The Orient Express via a shady count out.
- Steve Allen is with Rhythm and Blues. They do a “comedy bit”. Greg Valentine is amazingly awful.
Dino Bravo (w/Jimmy Hart and Earthquake) v “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
Duggan waving that American flag in Canada is so bad it’s awesome. He follows that up with a USA chant…I just can’t. He’s got boos mixed in and I’m happy about it…moron. A lot of basic stuff early and Bravo gets dumped. Bravo redeems himself with some thrusts to Duggan’s throat like he’s the world’s worst damn ninja. I open a beer now because jeeze. Duggan tries to fight back but telegraphs a backdrop and goes back down. Bravo then screws up in the corner and it’s clothesline city from Duggan. Quake then gets involved but stays on the apron too long allowing a 2×4 shot from Duggan. This was bad and short…not short enough for me but short. 4-10
Winner: Jim Duggan cheated his ass off for the win.
- Earthquake murders that bitch after the match. You could tell who was getting a big push next by watching this shit.
- Jake and Dibiase recap. Jake was OVER man.
- Gene is with Jake. That bastard could cut a promo. I wish he never took a drug so I could praise every part of this dude.
Million Dollar Championship: “Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase (w/Virgil) v Jake “The Snake” Roberts
Dibiase had the world’s best feathered hair, full stop. They start out quick and Jake tries the DDT early on. He tried it an additional two more times in the next minute and a half. Jake took control with a hammer lock and makes Ted look like crap early. Ted is taking a beating out there until Jake drops his head on a backdrop. Jake tried a big kneelift following that but got caught. Ted started working over Jake. Virgil is outside thinking about how great Olive Garden is. Jake rolls to the floor and Ted rams him into the post. Ted KILLS Jake with a Piledriver and then gloats instead of pins. Jake reverses it when he tried. That only pissed Ted off. The Dream gets locked in but Jake makes the rope. Ted gets frustrated and goes to the second rope. He got caught on that that and Jake fires up. The ENTIRE crowd chants DDT. Jake nails the short clothesline and calls for it. Virgil pulls Jake out and gets his ass handed to him. Ted saves Virgil and rams Jake into the post. The crowd was into this and so was I. Both guys did their jobs well. 5-11
Winner: Ted got the win via countout.
- Jake comes back in and kicks some righteous ass. Ted takes the DDT. Jake gives the cash to the crowd, including Mary Tyler Moore. He then stuffs money in Ted’s mouth and tries for the snake before Virgil saves his man.
- Mooney is with Slick and Akeem. Slick proves that pimpin ain’t easy. Akeem is the damn man by the way.
- Gene is with the Boss Man. He says scum a lot. He’s also proud to be an American…in Canada.
Akeem (w/Slick) v The Big Boss Man
Jive Soul Bro is intact and all is right with the world. Also the Big Boss Man’s theme..man this show rules. Dibiase was hiding under the ring and attacks Boss Man before the match. It’s not looking good for the BBM. Akeem takes over immediately. Boss fights back and kicks Akeem’s ass. Boss Man Slam in a hurry. That was pretty much nothing to be honest. 5-12
Winner: BBM via the Boss Man Slam.
- Slick gets KTFO after the match.
- Mooney is in the crowd talking to the crowd about Rhythm and Blues. They seem less than excited. He does get to talk to Mary Tyler Moore and seems pumped about it.
- Rhythm and Blues (w/DDP as driver) arrive to sing their new song Hunka Hunka Honky Love. Elias should be jealous AF. The Bushwhackers arrive to cause some shit. They destroy the guitars and do their thing.
- Gorilla and Jesse waste more time.
- Attendance record of 67,678 is announced.
- Steve Allen joins the commentary team…ugh.
“Ravishing” Rick Rude (w/The Brain) v Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka
Rude looks amazing and Snuka looks like a (alleged) murderer. Snuka is in control for a couple of minutes until he makes a slight mistake and Rude takes over. He isn’t in control for long until Snuka makes another mistake and heads up top. Snuka then blows the headbutt and gets killed via Rude Awakening. Rude ruled and Snuka was past his prime. 5-13
Winner Rude won after a Rude Awakening.
- A recap of the Warrior/Hogan setup. It was kinda good and made a lot of money.
WWE Championship/Intercontinental Championship: The Ultimate Warrior vs Hulk Hogan
To be perfectly honest, I cried when I saw this match as a kid. It is still the most split crowd I have ever seen in an event of this size. When I was a kid (and now) this shit was AMAZING. A shove off by both to start. The test of strength proves both men are amazing. Warrior no sells a slam and dumps Hogan to the floor where he hurts his knee. Hogan sells the knee badly. Warrior attacks quickly. Both guys attack the eyes. Hogan fires up in a hurry. Jesse says “Ask Richard Belzer” how much a facelock hurts and I laugh my ass off. Hogan takes Warrior to chinlock city and Jesse is in heaven. Hogan is the Dean Malenko of this match. The Warrior has half this crowd on his side easily. They both nail a double clothesline and I have memories from childhood. BOTH men Hulk up and the crowd goes ape shit. Warrior takes control to whip Hogan’s ass. He slaps a bear hug on Hogan. Hogan fires up but the ref gets knocked out. Hogan takes the visual three but it didn’t matter. Warrior did the same. Hogan got a two off a rollup and then knocks Warrior to the floor. Warrior nails the Gorilla Press and Splash to the Hulkster for a two. Hogan Hulks up! Hogan kicks his ass but misses the legdrop! Amazing match from both dudes and holds up. 6-14
Winner: The Warrior wins with a splash after Hogan misses the legdrop.
- Hogan presents the belt. Warrior was screwed from that moment on.
Overall Thoughts: I enjoyed this show. Some of the stuff from when I was a kid didn’t hold up quality wise but as moments they still hit the mark. That being said this show was long as hell. Unfortunately they only seem to get longer.
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