We aren’t usually the type to “break news” on this site but I received a phone call last night that was most interesting.
So I turn on Bizarro Lucha last evening and hear the not unpleasant news that BPIV is now the new owner of Bizarro. I like Bradley and think this is a great move for the company as long as he doesn’t spend all of the money on beer. Then the call comes in.
Person on other line that got my number somehow immediately: Don’t you find this a bit strange?
Me (while watching an 1900’s Carnival Barker fight a skateboarding Dinosaur man): No not really… who is this?
P: It’s not important. I was more talking about Bradley FINALLY finishing his associates. Did you think he would ever do that?
M: Frankly no, I assumed he would die of alcohol poisoning first. Also who is this?
P: No need to know who I am. Just check with the Community College. This all comes down to Oprah.
M: Oprah? Are you drunk? Am I drunk? *Click*
So obviously I was puzzled. Who makes phone calls still? Who really gives a shit about Bradley graduating from college? Why did that voice sound so familiar yet so strange. That’s when I figured the voice out.
This psycho used the fake lady voice from Monty Python. This disturbed me on several levels. Needless to say I didn’t sleep last night due to this entire thing. So first thing this morning I made a call to Generic Community College to try and get some answers.
The weird voiced lady was right. Bradley has an incomplete and won’t be eligible to do the Skype Graduation deal unless he finishes the class he got an incomplete in. That class? Street Fighting Mathematics and it’s influence on Oprah. Which obviously is something you need to have when getting an Associates in *checks notes* General Studies.
So I was able to contact the Adjunct Professor that runs that class to inquire as to why Bizarro’s new fearless leader hadn’t earned the proper credit. Here is Prof. Przbyszewski’s response.
Me: So what is up with Bradley’s incomplete?
Prof P: You know I really am not supposed to be discussing this with people right? I mean I can lose my job.
Me: I get it but it’s fine, I run a wrestling website.
P: Oh, like Dave Meltzer?
P: Oh, yeah well he actually only showed up to three classes all semester. He mostly just sat in the back and kept asking me how to pronounce my name and looking super confused. Also he smelled like a brewery mixed with Axe Body Spray.
M: Seems on brand.
P: So really I couldn’t pass the guy because my integrity is way too high.
M: I see. Do you know his Dad is like super rich though?
P: Wait, what?
So I guess the mysterious caller was right. I had to check around though and see why Bradley would lie about having a degree like this. So I went to one of the people I knew that would shoot me straight. Adam Slade.
Slade’s Response: “A wise man once said you get busy lying or you get busy dying. And sometimes it really do be like that sometimes”
Well…that was gibberish. Screw it. I really need to go to the horses mouth on this. Time to hit up Bradley.
Me: Hey man, so I’m told you don’t actually get your Associates until you fix your incomplete in that Oprah class.
BPIV: I thought that was the class I payed Hoodfoot to take for me…. I mean help me with.
He then said something unintelligible and screamed “Beer PONG!” in my ear three times before he hung up. Fucker has a problem. Anyway I guess I’ll have to talk to Hoodfoot and see what he has to say. Here it is word for word.
“Who is this? How did you get this number? You better hang the fuck up.”
And I did.
Well, I guess I accomplished what I set out to do. I got the answer to Brad’s graduation deal. But immediately afterwards I realized…who gives a shit? Like, this doesn’t have anything to do with him owning Bizarro now. Yeah I guess his Dad might be a little angry that he gave him his gift too soon but really…it’s Brad. He had to know something was a bit amiss. So really this entire thing seemed like a huge waste of time and resources. Then I got one more call.
Me: YOOOOO. Whodis?
Prof. P: Hey, hate to bug you. Przbyszewski here. Um, so like how rich is Mr. Prescott’s father.
M: Oh he is rich as fuck. Why?
Prof. P: Well, I don’t know if you know this but Adjunct Professors don’t make much and I am a month behind on my car payment. Do you think that a deal of some sort can be arranged?
M: I’m sure money is no concern when it comes to this. Shoot him an e-mail.
PP: Oh, this was off the record right? I don’t want to come across as a scumbag out for a payday or something.
M: Nah, you are good. *He wasn’t.*
So there we go. It seems like this entire deal was a complete waste of time. But Brad apparently can get that credit for paying a payment on old boy’s 2010 Kia Forte so maybe this wasn’t all bad. I still wonder who made that call though. The caller ID just said Heaven, CA. I didn’t even know that was a place. Oh well. It be like that sometime.
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Thanks to Mouse for the pic. Make sure you follow him as well.
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