This is without a doubt my favorite Friday the 13th related article. It was written in 2017 but still holds true today. I really hope you like it as much as I do, poor Jason got a bad rap folks.
Mr Voorhees,
As you are in no doubt aware next month (October, 2017) we have another Friday the 13th on the calendar. I understand the pain and trouble this day has brought you in the past which has evoked, shall we say some slightly dramatic reactions on your part. We here with the Council would in no way call them overreactions due to the circumstances around them but they have been…aggressive to say the least.
To avoid what we assume will be another problem day for our teenagers (or twenty somethings that are pretending to be teenagers), police and medical facilities, we are prepared to make a public apology from the Council, Mayor and citizens of Crystal Lake for some past issues.
To start, our deepest apologies for the drowning on your 10th birthday thing. That had to be awful for you and at the very least was an inconvenience on what should have been an otherwise pleasant day for you overall. Unfortunately some of the camp counselors the Christy’s have hired in the past haven’t been able to “keep it in their pants” at inappropriate times. I’m sure this was also hard on your mother.
Speaking of your mother, we are also sorry about that. Pamela Voorhees was, until the night of her death, a “pleasant” woman. Even Alice Hardy was shocked at the amount of carnage this otherwise unassuming woman wrought on her friends before she be-headed her with that machete. We are also sorry you had to witness this act of violence perpetrated upon your mother. I’m sure Ms. Hardy herself would have shown later remorse for her actions if not for her unfortunate demise a few years later. (Which we are sure you had nothing to do with, I mean, how would have you even found her?) Even though your beloved mother did commit a “few” murders, had Mr. Christy (rest his soul) not re-opened the camp it never would have occurred. In summation…sorry bout your mom.
Now here we get into some shaky territory with your own actions. 5 years after your beloved mother passed on, another Friday the 13th in fact, you yourself began to cause some “problems” for our little New Jersey community. The murders as stated before are now in the past and we are here to apologize for continuing to open Camps along Crystal Lake. In this instance it wasn’t Camp Crystal Lake but as we could tell from your actions it was close enough for you. Luckily a lot of the counselors on this night were at a bar getting hammered so you could have had a way more negative impact on that night. We also greatly appreciate you not going to that bar, it was Councilman Cunningham’s 21st birthday that weekend and as you know birthdays can go bad quickly. Regardless to why this happened we apologize on behalf of Ms. Ginny Field for “hacking your shoulder with a machete”. Ms. Field refused most of our phone calls and actually refused to apologize herself until we found “Paul”. We assume you left him alone and he is living the good life somewhere.
OK, so that first night was understandable due to them opening that camp but this continued through the entire weekend. Admittedly the fact that the Higgins even built their “Haven” any where near the lake after the previous issues was dumb on their part but in defense of them, that part of the lake looked more like California than New Jersey. Apologies are in order for the axe blow you took to the skull, that had to hurt. Chris Higgins also refused our calls but i’m sure she is on board. Also and this is a small consolation, you did get an integral part of your wardrobe from a victim on this day so it wasn’t ALL bad. But we are sorry you had a rough Saturday the 14th.
Sunday the 15th seems a bit excessive on your part but we aren’t here to place blame, only to heal. The Jarvis family seemed like they would have left the lake at this point, it had been two straight days of non stop murder and even if they did think you were dead (axe wounds to the head and morgue trips will do that) i’d probably have made a trip upstate for a while. Tommy Jarvis has been an issue for this community over the years and always pops up where there is trouble so him hitting you with a machete is (nearly) unacceptable. In all honesty had you not butchered several people that night (including his mother and a guy just looking for his missing sister) we may have pressed charges. Since you did kill all those people we will just have to call that one even. We really thought you were done at this point, like it almost seemed like a rip off later when you returned.
This next bit doesn’t seem important but here goes. The dumb ambulance driver that tried to ruin your good name actually didn’t work for Crystal Lake proper and was an independent contractor so that wasn’t on us. It did seem like he would have had his ill son with an eating disorder in a better place but it’s hard to judge someone else’s parenting. Tommy Jarvis and the mask seemed like the only connections to you here so we shouldn’t have even brought it up.
Speaking of which, Tommy Jarvis just wouldn’t leave you alone. If you dig up someones grave you deserve whatever you get in our opinion. Too bad Sheriff Garris didn’t have a better reign on his daughter or Tommy would still be in jail. This was another situation where opening a camp again was a bad idea but we thought re-branding Crystal Lake to Forrest Green would solve all that. Apparently you care little for re-branding and just hate camps in general, so again our bad. We are curious about how he killed you with a big rock and chain, seemed anticlimactic after all the shots with blunt objects, but hey we aren’t the killing expert! On a related note Jarvis should have done some jail time again for locking poor Deputy Cologne in a cell, poor guy didn’t eat for 3 days. Luckily after this neither you nor us would ever see Tommy again. Kinda weird how that worked out.
I’m not sure how to apologize for a witch bringing her dad back from the dead to kill you but…sorry?
We really thought it was a good idea to send all the teenagers (or adults acting like teenagers) to New York to party as not to disturb you but it didn’t work. I’m sure it was nice of you to get out of town for a bit and see…mostly a boat, but Time Square and what appeared from our notes to be Vancouver or somewhere. Regardless and I never thought this would be a sentence i’d type, sorry about the toxic waste.
After the FBI tried to blow you up (again, totally not on us) there were some weird people acting like you throughout town. Since none of them looked like you we will assume we are in the clear on most of the apology until your niece (cousin?) stabbed you and that guy stole your mask. Probably should have closed that crime scene better, our bad.
The whole deal with Springwood was out of our jurisdiction and most of it was on their watch so let them pick up that apology.
In conclusion we would like to say we are sorry and this year instead of murdering our citizens, please come to the dinner we are having in your honor! We know that if it wasn’t for our town you probably could have been a relatively normal guy living his dream. Maybe start a band and play Key-tar! That could’ve been awesome! We are deeply sorry for this whole mess so just give us one more chance to earn your trust! It’s not like we are going to try and lock you in a cryogenic chamber until 2455 or anything! That would be crazy! How could that even happen? It won’t….we promise.
Signed Crystal Lake City Councilman,
K. Hodder
image via movieweb
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