It’s another Friday the 13th week folks! It’s time to celebrate a series of films that defined horror for a generation of weirdos such as myself. These films had it all, bad acting, bloody and ridiculous murders, boobs and most importantly other boobs. We will be celebrating all of these movies today as a show of respect to their contribution to the horror genre. These films were tailor made for the 1980’s slasher films and were all made with the purely artistic intention of making all the money while spending none to make them.


How do you reboot a franchise that has lasted for over 30 years, 11 movies and many different incarnations without alienating the fan base that made it popular and still draw new fans at the same time? If you said add well known blower upper of things Michael Bay to the mix then you are either drunk or work for New Line Cinema.

Platinum Dunes Productions a company ran by Michael Bay, Brad Fuller and Andrew Form was brought in to give the beloved franchise an update for a new generation of fans. Previously they had done the same with some success for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise (how much success exactly you would have to ask the fans) and decided they would use the same director (Marcus Nispel) and to be honest with you, the exact SAME LOOK as that reboot had. We are talking Derek Zoolander same look. Luckily they came up with some new and fresh ideas to upgrade the franchise though right? Oh, they kinda just took whatever parts they wanted from the old movies to put together a greatest hits mix tape of Jason? That’s cool I guess.

Hi guys! I’m back and ignore everything you know! -image via avclub


Release Date: February 13, 2009

Budget: 19 Million

Box Office: 92.7 Million


Back story and Plot: We start out with Jason seeing his mother being murdered at Crystal Lake to set off this entire run of violence that we will witness in this film. From there we see a group of kids (twenty somethings) going camping in order to find a bunch of weed hidden somewhere in the woods around Crystal Lake (I’m sure there are less dumb ways to get pot). This ends for them about as well as you would think and we get our first look at a quicker bag mask wearing Jason. (Admittedly that was kinda awesome) as we cuts to credits he has one of the girls down on the ground and it looks like it may be the end for her.

Flash forward to six weeks later when we get to meet our future victims as they visit the lake house of the rich one. Besides the rich one we have in no particular order, the girlfriend, the slut, the dork, the black kid etc. We also meet in a store on the way to the cabin a young man named Clay Miller a young man whose sister had disappeared 6 weeks prior (so thus far we have taken from part 1, 2, and 4 so at least we have some sort of rip off timeline). Rich kid was a dick to him and they head for his cabin. Clay accidentally shows up there still looking for his sister and rich kid continues to be a dick to a guy looking for his sister (and everyone else to be honest).

So rich kid’s girlfriend and Clay go off searching for his sister while everyone else stays and parties. This combination draws our villain out of hiding to start up a murder spree again (luckily he had already gotten his sweet ass hockey mask in a barn). So to recap, booze, drugs, sex and murder, all of the things that make these movies good. I’ll give Platinum Dunes this…they know there audience.

After all the murder, Clay and rich kid’s girlfriend actually find his sister chained up in some tunnels beneath Camp Crystal Lake (apparently Jason has had plenty of time to become a mole person). Jason had kept her because she resembled his mother. At this point after an entire movie of building up girlfriend as the survivor chick, she dies and it’s down to Clay and his sister to fight Jason.

Survivor Girl (Guy): Clay Miller (and sister Whitney)

I’ll be honest Clay was the only real survivor here. You can’t spend 85% of the movie off screen and try to steal it at the end Whitney. Clay fits the mold anyway I guess, attractive, has feathered hair and is kinda dumb.

How’d she (he)  survive?

They pulled the old pretend to be mommy trick (part 2). Whitney distracted him long enough for Clay to use a bear trap connected to a chain to try and hang him via throwing said chain into a damn wood chipper. Oddly enough that didn’t work so Whitney just hit him with a machete again and Clay threw him in the lake. The end…except Jason jumps out at the end and grabs Whitney…

BEST CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE? Trent “the rich kid”

This dude was a scumbag asshole literally the entire movie. There wasn’t a second on screen where he was doing something noble or nice for anyone. I applaud the fact they stuck with this dude being this awful throughout the entirety of his screen time. When he died it WAS AWESOME.

Seriously, fuck you Trent. -image via cinemorgue



An Idiot’s Opinion: This movie was just a greatest hits mix rape from the other Fridays. It wasn’t bad at all but nothing new or original anywhere near this movie. Filming the movie to look darker is not something that makes it fresh. It was still teenagers getting killed by a guy in a hockey mask. So even though it wasn’t an overly original concept it had, blood, chaos, tits, drugs, booze and our hockey mask wearing buddy to shut all of it down. I can say without a doubt, this was a Friday the 13th movie and it made a TON of money. Surprisingly no sequel…yet.


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