4-8-18

New Orleans, Louisiana

Commentators: Like 10 different people, but mostly the usual Corey Graves plus two guys deal.

 

Image result for WrestleMania 34 Poster
All Images Via WWE

 

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Kickoff Show: Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

It was a battle royal so it was fine. It did have some fun moments though. The Golden Truth reuniting and then Goldust turning on Truth again with a Dab was pretty funny. Mojo killing Zack almost made me spit my beer out because I was laughing so hard, which is nice. There was a fun bit with crazy Matt doing dueling chants with Tye that had the crowd freaking out. It did frighten me a bit though when it came down to Baron, Mojo and Matt because honestly I had no vested interest in any of their careers at this point. I do love babyface Bray so far though.

Winner: Matt Hardy after some Wyatt assistance.

 

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Kickoff Show: Cedric Alexander vs Mustafa Ali -Finals for Cruiserweight Championship

I really wish they got 15 minutes without commercial breaks every thirty seconds to show what they could do. That being said both of these kids did an awesome job with the time they had and really had the crowd into it even if it was not in front of as many people as it should have been. Both of these kids are awesome and I’m glad they got this chance.

Winner: Cedric Alexander following a Lumbar check. 

 

  • John Cena is in the crowd drinking beer while Charlie comes to bother him.

 

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Kickoff Show : The first-ever WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal

I really didn’t like this match until the end. The only fun stuff was the NXT ladies pulling a Nexus and laying some people out. We really didn’t get into anything I could invest in until it got down to Bayley and Sasha. When it appeared Bayley won the entire crowd went nuts, and then they screwed it up by having her lose to a babyface that laid on the floor for half the match. What a missed opportunity.

Winner: Naomi got the win after valiantly coming in after all the fighting was done.

 

  • Two girls that are apparently “The Future of Music” sing. It sounds like regular singing to me.

 

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Intercontinental Championship: (C) The Miz vs Seth Rollins vs Finn Balor

After everyone made their super cool WrestleMania entrances we got down to a bad ass opening contest. All three dudes definitely brought their best effort to the big show and put on a match that not many on the card were able to live up to. Miz was the dirt bag glue that held this thing together and did a marvelous job as the only heel in there. Both Seth and Finn worked their asses off and were flying all over the place. Really awesome opener and no matter who won you get the feeling their would be very little disappointment from the audience.

Winner: Seth got the victory after nailing Curb Stomps on everyone. NEW CHAMPION!

 

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SmackDown Women’s Championship: (C) Charlotte Flair vs Asuka

To be honest I should have seen the ending of this coming after Charlotte got that sweet ass HHH entrance. After 914 days this was the night where it all came crashing down for Asuka. This was an awesome match beginning to end and in my opinion, probably the best on the entire show. They went out there and busted ass and completely blew away the awesome Triple Threat match that came before it. If this would have main evented the show I would not have been upset in the slightest. I think these ladies took the show home with them. Amazing stuff.

Winner: Charlotte made Asuka tap with a one armed Figure Eight.

 

  • After the match, when we should have been completely focused on those ladies, a ref comes down and speaks to Cena, causing him to run right through a moment that wasn’t his. Great job WWE, give the women that type of moment and then make it about two old guys.

 

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United States Championship/Fatal 4-Way: (C) Randy Orton vs Bobby Roode vs Jinder Mahal vs Rusev 

So you have a match that literally no one was clamoring for so you fix it by adding one of the hottest acts in the company. Good idea. Bad idea, having him in there so he can carry all of the emotion from the audience and then take the pinfall. The fact that they had someone as organically over as Rusev was amazing and yet they continued to fuck it up week after week after week. I don’t even care that Jinder won, believe it of not I think he will be fine in the role. I just think throwing money away is a dumb thing for a publicly held company to do.

Winner: Jinder Mahal after doing literally the same thing he does to win every match. 

 

  • We do get a fun Snickers commercial with Foley and The Fashion Police.

 

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Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey vs Triple H and Stephanie McMahon

This may have been one of the greatest debut matches in history. Ronda finally got to come off like a complete badass. I think this may have went a little too long for the story they were telling, but at least the story was good. HHH finally gave Kurt some offense so they cancelled each other out and it was left to the ladies to decide the winner. Stephanie did a great job of being a cheating jerk, but everyone knew when it came down to a fair fight she was screwed. Really good stuff from everyone involved.

Winner: Ronda and Kurt got the victory when Stephanie tapped to the armbar.

 

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SmackDown Tag Team Championships/Triple Threat: (C) The Usos vs The New Day vs The Bludgeon Brothers 

This was what it was. In what could have been a well earned and good match for the two babyface teams it turned into a decimation for the Bludgeons. This was a squash match on WrestleMania and that’s pretty much all I have to say about it. Could and should have been better.

Winner: Bludgeon Brothers got the victory after a top rope sitout powerbomb on Kofi. 

 

  • Now we get Cena come out for what appears to be a match when he is interrupted by Elias. After some singing by Elias and some squashing by Cena the latter heads to the back. Then the lights go out.

 

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John Cena Vs The Undertaker

Back to back squash matches. I get the point here though, there is no way we should see the Undertaker doing twenty plus minute matches ever again. We should be happy if he shows up once or twice a year to tombstone some fool. Kudos to Cena for carrying this entire feud and then having enough confidence to allow himself to look like a complete chump in front of a crowd this size.

Winner: The Undertaker via the Tombstone.

 

  • We continued to slow the pace down by introducing our Hall of Fame class of 2018.

 

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Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon vs Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn

The pop Daniel got dwarfed everything on a show that included the return of the Undertaker. Think about that. This match was awesome when Daniel was in and complete masturbatory junk when Shane was in. I get that we are supposed to believe in badass Shane but his punches have always screamed otherwise to me. Kevin and Sami did a magnificent job of making both of these guys look incredible though. I can’t hate on anything too hard that has an emotional moment like Daniel’s return. It gave me goosebumps.

Winner: Daniel got the win for his team after a knee and Yes Lock.

 

  • Apparently we had 78,133 folks in the crowd. True or not, there were a ton of people there.

 

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RAW Women’s Championship:  (C) Alexa Bliss vs Nia Jax

You can find me in the camp of people that says this should have been two minutes of Nia domination. They both did an excellent job in their roles though. Alexa plays such a good mean girl that she almost makes herself endearing in the role. Nia was awesome as the scorned friend trying to take revenge. Considering what they had to follow I think they did an admirable job.

Winner:  Nia got the victory following a second rope Samoan Drop. NEW CHAMPION!

 

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WWE Championship: (C) AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

Was it as good as their previous matches? No. But it was also shorter and didn’t have the time to tell a full story. These guys never had a match in WWE that equaled anything that they were able to accomplish in Japan. This was really the beginning of taking Nakamura from a star to just being a guy that couldn’t get the job done. Serious disappointment.

Winner: AJ got the pin with the Styles Clash.

 

  • After the match they have a show of respect…right until awesome heel Shinsuke shows up and nails AJ in the balls. I expected so much out of these guys.

 

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RAW Tag Team Championship: (C)The Bar vs Braun Strowman and Nicholas

The entire point of this was to prove that Braun is a bad son of a bitch that didn’t need a partner. They did that. As far as using a 10 year old kid to accomplish that? I don’t know guys, there was probably a better way to handle it, especially considering they just drop the belts the next night. It is what it is.

Winner: Braun and Nicholas after the distribution of hands.

 

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Universal Championship:  (C) Brock Lesnar (w/Uncle Paul) vs. Roman Reigns

Well, this was a Brock Lesnar match. Suplexes were hit, F5’s were nailed and he busted a dude open to win. It was fine, really. The only two issues I saw were that it was a hard match to go home on after what felt like 50 hours of wrestling and what the hell was the plan with Roman? They had been building to this moment for years and then at the last second chickened out. I didn’t understand it then and don’t now. This was the time to make him your guy and you bailed on him again.

Winner: Brock got the pin on a bloodied Roman after an F5.

 

Overall Thoughts: There were some definite highs and lows with this show. The highs were really high (Charlotte/Asuka) but the lows were just as low (SmackDown Tag titles). I think in the end this will go down as a middle of the road WrestleMania that had some cool moments, a couple good matches and besides that, nothing memorable. This was a lot of wrestling to not be memorable, I think that’s an issue. But as I’ve said before I am just an Idiot and do not own a billion dollar publicly traded company. So maybe I just missed the big picture.

 

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