Commentators: Joey Styles and Tazz
I am a glutton for punishment. I asked what show I should sit through next and sadly for me, this was the winner. This program has a bad reputation and that may have been well earned. It was apparently so awful that WWE decided to never again have another ECW Pay Per View. Paul Heyman’s bad business acumen may have ended the original string of ECW PPVs, but this one stopped all future shows on it’s own merit (or lack thereof). Let’s see how bad this thing actually was.
Match 1: Tag Team
MNM (Nitro and Mercury) with Melina vs The Hardy Boyz (Matt and IC Champ Jeff)
Notes and Opinion: Sometimes I forget 2006 Melina…yep that entrance was easily the most over thing about that team. This was set up by an Open Challenge thrown out by the Hardyz. The Hardyz were in control until Matt became the last dude in the building distracted by Melina. Speaking of Melina, Tazz is all about her and doing his best Jerry Lawler impression on the mic. MNM keeps control of Matt for a while before they get cocky and try to steal the Hardy’z moves. Jeff comes in and hits some of his patented fired up flippy shit that barely hits. All hell breaks loose and Johnny does a hell of a tope to the floor on Matt and Joey. Jeff then takes out the pile with a less impressive crossbody. It finally calms down with Jeff playing Ricky Morton for a bit. Melina’s trifling ass keeps sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong. MNM finally screws up and Jeff hits the Whisper in the Wind and makes the tag to Matt. Matt comes in like a bow-legged house of fire. He gets 2 off a Side Effect on Nitro. Yodeling legdrop got another 2 for the future ECW Champion. Mercury is back in to help his partner and helps Nitro hit a top rope rana on Jeff. That gets a 2. All four men are now in the Hardy’z hit stereo superplexes on MNM. Melina distracts the ref from a Jeff 3 count on Nitro. She tries to slap Jeff and takes an inadvertent dropkick from Nitro. Jeff then rolls him up for a 2. Jeff is then nailed with a Snapshot by MNM which Matt breaks up at 2. Matt then saves Jeff from the top rope version of the Snapshot with double cutters on MNM. Jeff then hits the Swanton on both guys to end it. They can complain all they want about the total show but there isn’t much bad you can say about that opener. It clicked all the right boxes for a well put together and executed tag match in my book.
Winner: The Hardyz got the win following Jeff’s Swanton.
- We get a RVD interview about tonight’s Chamber match…he sounded high for some reason. Oh well.
Match 2: Extreme Rules Enforcement/Single
Matt Striker vs Balls Mahoney
Notes and Opinion: Striker does what he does best before the match and runs his yap. I hope Balls kicks his has just for future Striker saying “Funerary Box” instead of coffin on Lucha Underground…jackass. He requires the ref to enforce the rules even harder than ever. Unsurprisingly Matt gets out wrestled pretty quickly and ends up cheap shotting Balls. Striker tries to work the arm after Balls misses a charge to the corner. Luckily for Balls, Striker sucks pretty hard at wrestling. He does get some pretty good heat from the crowd though. Oldest and easiest trick in the book, the heel sets his own rules and then breaks them when he loses confidence. Jim Cornette would be proud. He would be less proud that he forgot which arm he was working and had to switch back. Striker is not a good wrestler. Balls finally starts to make a comeback with a couple of big punches and a side suplex for 2. Balls then gets crotched while going up top. Striker tried to get the win with the Pain Killer but Balls fired up and started kicking some ass. Striker was not built to take an ass kicking and Balls put him away pretty quickly after that. Balls Mahoney should never be the best technical wrestler in a match so take that for what you will. This wasn’t a PPV level match at all. The Balls chant was over though.
Winner: Balls got the win with a sit out spinebuster.
- Punk is warming up…insert your own UFC joke here.
- Sabu is found taken out in the back. A loud bullshit chant goes up.
Match 3: Tag Team
Elijah Burke and Sylvester Terkay vs F.B.I. (Little Guido and Tony Mamaluke) with Trinity
Notes and Opinion: Elijah cuts a promo because apparently we seriously need to fill time on this show. Elijah wasn’t quite “the Pope” just yet but he had to be higher than Deacon Batista on the religious gimmick chain right? Anyway, Trinity comes out with the F.B.I. and looks like the Wednesday day shift at a strip club. Meanwhile Terkay looks like the bad guy in a Chuck Norris movie, how did that guy not hang around? Burke is wrestling with his hat on and that makes me want Guido to break his arm. Guido does steal the hat though so we are good I guess. The Italians use some nice double teams to stay on top of Burke to keep the big man out, good idea. Oops, too late. The big man is in looking like Strowman and RVD had a kid. He easily overpowers the little guys and tosses them around like sacks of shit. He tags Burke back in and he tries for a pin immediately for a 2. The big man comes back in for a double team to poor Guido. Burke comes back in quickly with double knees and an STO which Tony breaks up at 2. Hot tag to Tony who runs wild on Burke. Terkay is back in to try to stop it but both Italians get him down with a quick double team. The flapjack gets 2 on Burke. Terkay nails a forearm on Tony and Elijah gets the Stroke for the win. This was way better than the second match but it wasn’t anywhere near the first as far as quality went. Another TV quality match on a show that they expected people to pay money for. Be glad that you are in the Network Era kids, this shit used to cost a ton of money per month to keep up with. That money felt worse with stuff like this on the show. Props to Trinity for the stripper gear though I guess.
Winner: Burke and Terkay got the win following the Elijah Experience on Tony.
- Terkay nails the Musclebuster on Guido after the match…to almost no response.
- Sabu is loaded into an ambulance while a too high RVD and a not nearly high enough Punk look on.
Match 4: Single
Daivari with the Great Khali vs Tommy Dreamer
Notes and Opinion: Daivari cuts a promo on the way to the ring, translated it says “My brother will be here eventually and is better than me in every way..but Khali still sucks.”. Tommy’s bootleg “Man in the Box” theme has always driven me nuts. Daivari uses Khali as a distraction and attacks but it didn’t help him very much. Going to the eyes does though and Daivari takes over with the baseball slide…briefly because the moron goes to the floor with Dreamer. That’s like…the only spot he’s effective bro. They get back in and Khali low bridges Tommy and is caught by the ref…he’s gone. Regardless, Daivari takes over with a boring ass chinlock and I long for the days of a Balls Mahoney match. He then quickens the pace with 2 shitty elbows and a lame pinfall attempt. I..I..hate this match guys. Back to a resthold and I question just how many steroids that Daivari was on at this point. Shit man, you are killing me. He goes for a sleeper but Tommy falls his ass back on him and I see light at the end of the tunnel. Tommy fires up and gets a reverse DDT for 2. DVD attempt blocked by going to the eyes and then Daivari blows that by straight up whiffing from the top rope. Tree of Joey Lawrence in the corner and Tommy is on a roll. Sadly the DDT is blocked with a shitty ass rollup and a handful of tights. This show is really starting to live up to it’s reputation now. Hot damn garbage.
Winner: Daivari got the pin with a rollup and a handful of tights.
- Tommy chases Daivari and runs into a Tree Slam from Khali on the ramp. Poor dumb bastard. He struggles back to his feet finally.
- Paul is backstage and recruits Hardcore Holly for the main event to replace Sabu…the ECW fans love that. Oh, by love I mean fucking HATE.
Match 5: Mixed Tag Team
Mike Knox and Kelly Kelly vs Kevin Thorn and Ariel
Notes and Opinion: Kelly wishes CM Punk luck and Mike doesn’t appear to care for that. Who cares? 2006 Kelly is way out of his league..actually 2086 Kelly is out of his league. Thorn and Ariel had the vampire gimmick and it only worked on Ariel really. The guys start slugging it out while Ariel earns her pay by leaning over the ropes every couple minutes. 2006 does not care about women’s wrestling at all. Thorn and Knox are having a decent but simple match so far, the other shoe will drop pretty soon though and the dudes in the crowd may have a collective heart attack. Shit…it’s happening. Ariel “kicks her ass” for a couple of minutes and then Mike short arms her on the tag. Dude, you will not do better and your WWE career only goes down hill from here…dumb move. Luckily it is over quick. This…wasn’t so good. It was OK with the guys in there (not good but OK) and the ladies just didn’t have the experience to make it watchable. PEOPLE PAID FOR THIS.
Winner: Thorn and Ariel get the win following an Ariel STO on Kelly.
- Ariel attacks after the match but the Sandman makes the save…after a beer. He nails Thorn roughly 47 times with the cane and then has another beer. There is a guy that knew his limitations y’all.
- Rebecca(?) and her almost a shirt interviews Bobby Lashley. Watch Raw Monday night, listen to a Bob interview and now imagine how bad he was 12 years ago. That’s what you get. Good for Rebecca though.
Match 6: Extreme Elimination Chamber
(C) Big Show vs Bobby Lashley vs Rob Van Dam vs CM Punk vs Hardcore Holly vs Test
Notes and Opinion: Paul comes out with his goons to cut a promo and streeeeeeeetch the show out. RVD and Holly start us out. They start out with some hard shots but aren’t exactly setting the world on fire until RVD hits the Rolling Thunder on that grate. That shit had to hurt. Punk is out next equipped with a chair and the crowd goes ape shit. He Sabu’s Holly and nails RVD with the springboard clothesline. He tries to Sabu RVD but RVD reverses that shit in a hurry. That chair splattered off Punk’s face. He then monkey flipped Punk on a chair. Punk is learning a bit in this one. The crowd is super into Punk though and a legdrop on a chair leaves RVD busted open. RVD then gets his head slammed into a chair in the corner where Punk kicks the shit out of it. Punk got fancy with Hardcore though and gets his ass slammed into the cage. Holly decides to stay on Punk and gets a 2 off a side slam. Heyman wants one of the babyface gone. I want this show over. Holly nails a nice superplex that RVD slides in and gets a 2 off of. Holly then gets another 2 off of it. That was a big superplex apparently. Test is in next with a fucking crowbar. I guess we are just pretending completely now. He goes to work on both Punk and RVD with it. Punk catches him to stop the run of weak ass crowbar attacks. RVD is then up and attacking everyone with a chair. Punk is the first eliminated after a 5-Star and apparently RVD is a fucking moron that can’t tell what Heyman is doing. He deserves to lose. Test turns on Holly and takes him out with a boot. So he’s the next gone. RVD takes Test down with a kick but then the dumb bastard goes to the top of Big Show’s pod and gets caught by the champ. Test then murders him with some chair shots and tosses him off the pod. Test then nails RVD off the top of the pod with an elbow onto a chair in his face. RVD is gone now. Well now the crowd has to cheer for
Roman er…Lashley right? The crowd is apparently cheering for someone named Bullshit? Lashley is the next one in but he is halted by Heyman’s posse. He then uses the table in his pod to smash through the steel chains above. The crowd could not give less of a shit. Lashley does do a good job of beating the ever loving piss out of poor Test though. Test finally gets to fight back with some basic Test shit after a minute or so. Sadly for him that doesn’t last and Bob takes back over. A crowbar shot and a spear later and we are down to to. Test is gone. Lashley throws shit at Show’s pod to try and intimidate him. Show finally enters wit a barb wire wrapped ball bat. We have a bat and chair duel on our hands which show was winning handily. A quick side-note, I’m glad Show dropped all that weight because he looked unhealthy as hell here. Shows bat gets stuck and Bobby whips that ass. Show goes through the pod and bleeds. Big Show finally gets an offensive maneuver in and tries for the choke slam but Lashley stops that with a DDT. A minute of back and forth later and the spear ends it. The match was actually not too bad but they just killed the crowd and that really effects my enjoyment of the whole thing. Plus Test and Hardcore near and or in a main event always bored the hell out of me.
Winner: Lashley pinned Show with the spear to become the new ECW Champion.
Overall Thoughts: Well…2 of the matches weren’t bad. The opening tag was far and away the best match on the show but with the buildup the main event should have been an all time great. It wasn’t…it was OK-ish and had spots that were cool but since they built the entire show around this one match it has to be deemed a failure. (Tell me if this sounds familiar at all) People just not give a crap about the guy they chose as champ and killed the crowd by having all the actual fan favorites lose like bitches. Bad decision making, sub par attractions and a crap ending makes this show what it is. Bad.
Follow me on Twitter
Or on the shiny new Facebook page.